Santa and this guy who just broke his arm are the only redeemable characters in this movie. Which is why they get to be the top image and not a single other soul.

Harlie’s Very Merry Movie List — I wish my true love did not give to me…

Welcome aboard to the second installment of one of my worst ideas yet: a movie review series in which I watch Christmas flicks every day leading up to December 25. If you didn’t catch the opening day of Merry Movie List 2k20, you can read the write-up here. In fact, I implore you to read it because folks, the Christmas force is not strong in this one.

As a brief introduction, there are four rules of my viewing experience:

1. I can only watch Christmas movies.
2. I can only watch Christmas movies that have come out on the same day of viewing.
3. Only in the case when no films have been released on the day of viewing may I watch a Christmas movie filmed in years past. However, it must be a Christmas movie which I have previously not seen.
4. On Christmas Eve, I will watch Die Hard.

It is difficult to admit this, but these simple rules have nearly broken me and we are less than 48 hours into this month.

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(WARNING: THERE ARE SPOILERS FOR THIS MOVIE, BUT HONESTLY, YOU SHOULDN’T WATCH IT IN THE FIRST PLACE.)

Title of Film: The Christmas Catch

Rating: TV-PG

Release Date: December 2, 2018

Where to Watch: Netflix

Synopsis: An incompetent cop meet-cutes a potential criminal and it’s Christmas. When I say that’s about it, I really mean that’s about it.

The Christmas Catch. I really had such tremendous hopes for you. Cops and robbers in a Christmas flick where the stakes are high and the leads are cute? You had the perfect ingredients… the thousand dollar truffle and gold leaf of ingredients… and instead of making an award winning dish, you chose to just burn the whole kitchen down. In fact, I wish an actual kitchen burnt down in this movie, but instead we get lukewarm, never touched coffee and a romance that lacks the fire I so desperately yearned for on a cold winter’s night. It’s real bad, you guys. And I think the most chilling part is that I know this will not be the worst film I watch this holiday season. It won’t be and I fear for the version of me that knows the reality I see ahead of us now. Alas, I must trek ever on through this tepid movie which was anything but a catch.

Scathing as I might be, I am going to do all that I can to give credit where credit is due. Also, spoiler for the Holly Berry Scale, but my mom actually liked this movie and I think it would make her sad to see such ambivalence unfold in this review. So, here are some highlights you can look forward to if you do choose to embark on the Christmas Catch journey.

1. Everyone in this film is very pretty. While that might not matter to most, it is a nice compliment to Christmas, using actors as decorations instead of actual human beings.
2. “Are you Christmas? Because I want to ‘merry’ you.” Said by a character who probably has five minutes of screen time.
3. I am so sorry that’s it.

Perhaps it isn’t the best idea to write these reviews immediately after watching a film, but I refuse to spend any more time on a movie that gave me nothing in return. I also forced my roommates, Dayne and Valerie, to watch this with me and they deserved better. In honor of their sacrifice and to make me feel whole again, here is a quick rundown of my (and my roommate’s) grievances with this movie: the acting, the story, the characters, the relationships, the romance, the acting, the fake coffee, the lead, the music, the a̷c̸t̶i̶n̸g̷, t̷͉̬͑̓h̴̙̭̦̏ę̵̺͆ ̷̢̛̙͂̈͘ş̶͛͜͝t̶̲͉͊ͅo̸̮͕̪̒̕r̵͚̍̊y̴̤͓̋̉͌͝,̴̈́t̵͎̆̉̎h̸̢̩̆̈́e̷͓͎͇̖͑̓̈́͛ ̶͓͍̠̠̀ŕ̸͎̈́̑͝o̸̢͖̥̓͋m̵̧̜̃ǎ̷͙̙͐͜͠ͅn̶̩̰̟͝c̷̣̘̟̿̏̽͘e̷̳̳̮͑t̶͉̱͋̽̏̽h̷͇̦̟̖̹̓͑̈́̀̒͘͘ë̶̢̟̗̹̻̏ ̶̬̽̉͝a̵̢̡̲͖͓̞̒͛̕c̴͔̟͖̅̓̒͝͝t̷̡̛͈̮̥̥͐͗̂̕ͅi̶̼̮͈̩̳̫̓̆̓̿͒͜ņ̶͕̝̭̺̲̯͂͗͋̓̑̆̕ĝ̴͓̝̮͖̲ͅt̶̡̢̫̘̘̦͉̪̠̫̹̓͗͂́͆̌̓̏͆̈́́̀͠h̶̢̢̡̨̛͉̣̭̪͇͔̳͇͍͕̆͛̀ẻ̴͍̬̟̰̄̈̑͋̄͂̏̿̒̚͝ ̶̙̹̼̞̦̠̮͙̹̪͎̍̂̓̍̑̉̏͗̊͘ą̷̳̣̯̮̯̪̌̚͘c̵̨̪̳̗̒͒͋̈́͛͗̄̄̂t̵̩̰͖̬͍͎͓̤͍̳̞̼͕̳̉̽̌̏͝ī̴̪̲̮͚̯̪͝ń̴̻̠̫̈́̇̓g̸̡̧̧̭̭̹͎̭̲̎̆̅͑̐͐̑͗̒̾͘͜͝t̸̖͕̟͖̜̗͈͎͕̣͙̩͕̾̏̊̿̇̐̅̾͗͂́͗͂̒h̴̢͇̺̦̫̱̣͉̓̀̀͆͂͜ę̵̟͇̰̞͎̰̜̺̊̅̈́̅͒̓͌̏̚͠ ̶̢̘̙̙̠̣̻͇̮̗͖̞͐͆̉͗̾̎̿̊̌̎̑͝a̵̡̖͊̏̑́͊̓͌̈́̈́̌̃͆́́̕c̶̡͕̩̰̺̺̼̹̦̖̦̑̈́͋̊t̴̨̨̼͈̪̰͍̫̠͙̏̓̅͐̓̀̀͒̈́̀̂̏̕͜͜͠͠͝ḯ̶̢̥͔̗̙̬͉̓̓͝n̴̢̘͉̘̲͖̗̯̲̝̦̬̱̍͋̀̏̑͝ͅg̶͚̲̞͓̹̪͔͔̈́̉̈̈́

Sorry, I’m back. Got lost there for a second.

Here’s the thing. Acting inherently asks for a suspension of disbelief as we try to grapple with the reality that very real human beings are trying to play very not real characters. However, Christmas movies often suffer from a plight of overacting, where the actors work so hard to stand out that they forget it’s okay to just… exist. While I was able to suspend my disbelief for the actors, I also suspended my belief that anyone on screen knew what they were actually doing. I will give a shoutout to Andrew Bushell who at least felt like a real human and not some automaton shouting lines at a wall. He deserves better and I am sorry much of his screen time is spent in weird, tense silence with the lead and her mom.

As a frame of reference on how bad it is, in my last review, it took about 20 minutes for me to decide the film could have been shorter. This time it took around three minutes to decide I wanted this movie to be over. I think the exact moment I broke can be found around the mark when our lovely lead decides to open tongue the air for 30 seconds in front of a suspect. If you happen to find a shard of my soul stitched into the frames of that scene, please kindly return it to your nearest meadow or community garden. Even if I don’t retrieve it, at least it will find peace, far away from the tonguing of Emily Alatalo.

I am honestly exhausted at this point. And again. This is only the second day. I am so afraid of the inevitable Christmas movie that will make me yearn for the dumpster fire that is The Christmas Catch. So that I might avoid dwelling too long on the future of my soul, here are the Holly Berries awarded by Dayne, Valerie, and I, and a special appearance by Christmas Movie Expert (CME?) Kris Ford.

(Oh, also after some criticism, I’ve replaced the Ending score with Set Design, which is probably for the best, but is something I am still a little sore about.)

Dayne’s Holly Berries

1. Plot: 2.5/5
2. Twist: 3/5
3. Set Design: 4/5
4. Characters/Acting: 1/5
5. Christmas: 2/5

With an appropriate 12.5 out of 25 Holly Berries, Dayne (Christmas Movie Tolerator) states, “I could have gone the rest of my life without watching this movie and been all the better for it.”

Val’s Holly Berries

1. Plot: 2.5/5
2. Twist: 3/5
3. Set Design: 3/5
4. Characters/Acting: 2/5
5. Christmas: 2/5

Though the points she awarded may have been different, Valerie’s (Christmas Movie Commentator) scores came to 12.5 out of 25, just the same as Dayne. Somehow, it feels like a different 12.5. Likewise, Valerie finished two homework assignments while watching this movie, so at least one of us did something productive.

Harlie’s Holly Berries

1. Plot: 2/5
2. Twist: 2/5
3. Set Design: 3.5/5
4. Characters/Acting: 1/5
5. Christmas: 2/5

I can’t explain why, but 10.5 out of 25 Holly Berries still feels too generous to me. Is this a movie that will shorten your life? No. But it will inevitably be 87 minutes of your life that you cannot get back. I think what hurt this film the most is that it couldn’t decide what it was. Is it a cop movie? Is it a romcom? Is it a Christmas movie? Certainly, a film can be an amalgamation of many themes, but the story lines all felt so alienated from each other, it just felt like I couldn’t get a grasp on what the writers of this film wanted us to care about. Beyond that, I was convinced beyond reason that while the love-interest wasn’t a thief, he was absolutely a stalker, but I cannot afford to dedicate any more of my life to an exploration of a movie that took no thought at all to make.

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I have very strong feelings against this movie, but as I said, I would include the special editorial of Christmas Movie Expert Kris Ford who I feel comfortable saying has seen every Christmas movie in existence. She has seen the stinkers and the shiners and even though her opinion may come at odds to mine, I have promised to present her rating.

1. Plot: 4/5
2. Twist: 4/5
3. Set Design: TBA/5
4. Characters/Acting: 2.5/5
5. Christmas: 3/5

As of this writing, our movie expert has gone to bed and has not been updated to the Holly Berry Scale change, so we are on hold for her Holly Berry total. However, as it stands, her rating sits at 13.5/25, which exceeds all of ours even with a missing category. Without a doubt, my mom represents the Christmas spirit far better than us and is generous in her points. For this reason, whatever her score totals, I am committed to donating that dollar amount to her charity of choice, which will make me feel a lot better about how little worth this movie has in my heart.

While this review may not deck your halls, this movie certainly decked me in every other way. If you’ve made it this far, feel free to send my soul condolences on Twitter or take a trip to your local cemetery and feed the birds. The latter would probably make me feel better.

To all, except Justin Dyck, a goodnight.