Who even ARE these people.

Harlie’s Very Merry Movie List — All I want for Christmas is to remember this movie…

Hey guys! Two bits of breaking news I am proud to deliver. 1) I graduated today! Happy days! 2) I absolutely cannot recall anything good or memorable about the movie I had to watch for this review. I would consider watching it again, but even then, I don’t think it would make much of an impact. It was a Lifetime movie, so I have a pretty solid idea of what happened in the plot (boy meets girl, conflict ensues, kisses conclude), but I gotta say I am a little bummed out. Even for the worst of the flicks I’ve seen, I’ve always kept track of the plot and stayed engaged the whole time. The rules really knocked me on the head and threw me in a ditch on this one. Rules, which are:

1. I can only watch Christmas movies.
2. I can only watch Christmas movies that have come out on the same day of viewing.
3. Only in the case when no films have been released on the day of viewing may I watch a Christmas movie filmed in years past. However, it must be a Christmas movie which I have previously not seen.
4. On Christmas Eve, I will watch Die Hard.

Rules, my dear rules. You really made a fool out of me this time.

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(WARNING: THE ONLY SPOILERS ARE THE DETAILS I REMEMBER. THIS IS PROBABLY A PRETTY UNFAIR REVIEW, ACTUALLY.)

Title of Film: Inn Love by Christmas

Rating: TV-PG? I think?

Release Date: December 11, 2020

Where to Watch: Lifetime

Synopsis: Uhhhh… a business woman and a chef vie for the same beloved property in the town they grew up in. There’s a woman who wears pink a lot and she isn’t very nice and everyone in the town seems to really want that hot goss’. Uhm. Yeah? I think… that’s it.

Right folks. Here’s the deal. I messed up big time with this one. I was distracted and tried to pay attention as much as I could, but the odds were against me. It wasn’t interesting, the acting wasn’t good, the sets were subpar, the chemistry between the leads was nonexistent, and though this might be shallow, the actors weren’t even cute! I know this was a made-for-TV movie, but I honestly asked the question of made-for-who? Even the Notorious CME (Christmas Movie Expert) Kris Ford couldn’t keep her Christmas mind on the Christmas prize for this one. Major bummer, y’all. And I fear… it might be worse than The Christmas Catch.

As I continue on with this review, some memories are starting to creep up again, so I would like to share the echoes I’ve managed to evoke for you all. The leads meet because they have to share a rental car. They were classmates as children and now they are adults and they both have to get back home for the holidays. She is from Florida. He is from… somewhere. They decide to stop at a local diner that neither of them know about, even though they are from the area. They eat Mega Mac & Cheese out of cast iron pans and by the power of Christmas, neither one of them leaves hot brown streaks in their wake.

At this point, I zoned out for approximately 45-minutes and in that time, nothing happened. Or maybe something did happen, but if it did, it sure didn’t happen to me. When I came back to reality, a mean girl in pink outed the lead woman about her nefarious purpose for coming back home. Oh dear! A business woman is trying to buy a business and is being very professional about it! Scandalous!

I then zoned out for another 30-minutes. Eventually, the leads started getting real close and comfortable, talking about all kinds of nonsense until they shut each other up with the one allotted kiss Lifetime lets a movie have.

The end.

I think.

I’m so sorry, this is horrible and so very unfair. I have always been so rapt with every movie I’ve watched thus far. I just don’t know what happened here. Was it truly so boring that it sent me into a meditative state for a near hour and a half? The world may never know.

Regretfully, here are some Holly Berries which are very far from merry.

Harlie’s Holly Berries ft. Kris Ford

1. Plot: 1/5
2. Ending: 1/5
3. Set Design: 3/5
4. Characters/Acting: 3/5
5. Christmas: 3/5

It is a god damn Christmas miracle that this movie earned 11 Holly Berries, keeping it a hair above The Christmas Catch. Just a hair above. Honestly, it is only because I do remember this movie had a lot of Christmas. I know it had —

Oh god.

Oh no.

I just remembered that there is a scene where the leads have to stay in a cabin together because their rental car broke down and all they have to eat are pickles, white bread, and mustard. And this movie. This horrible movie. It makes these poor actors eat these pickle-mustard sandwiches and they have to act like they liked them. They both take one bite each and smile and that is all they eat, but oh god. I’m… There’s no recovering from this.

Goodnight everybody. Goodnight to everybody except the sadists who made these poor people eat pickle sandwiches.